Lots of good momentum here, Team Lozier, and I wanted to share.
This weekend my Uncle Bill and Aunt Joan came up from Florida to visit. They’ve been just great about keeping in touch with us regarding my health, and Sean and I really appreciated the fact that they wanted to come up see us in person. It was a great motivator to get our new house in order! We figured out that my Mom, Sean and I spent well over 10 hours just in the week before they arrived getting ready… Sean transported the rest of our wedding gifts from my parent’s basement (along w/ books, plants, and a table), and we unpacked boxes, put away all of our china, bowls, etc. arranged books, hung up art work, and moved stuff down to the basement for storage. We were all exhausted by the time that they arrived, but it was well worth it! Other than getting a chandelier for our dining room and perhaps hanging up a few more pieces of artwork, we are basically ready for visitors.
Friday night Sean and I went over to my parent’s house for dinner, just as Bill and Joan had arrived, and Saturday everybody came to us for breakfast. For most people, this Saturday would have been a typical, run-of-the-mill day… Brunch with relatives. But for me, just 9 days after being released from the hospital, it signified just how good I was feeling, to be able to host. I set our kitchen table with our wedding china, excited to use it for the very first time, arranged some flowers, and made cinnamon yogurt muffins and a Barefoot Contessa frittata for 6, complete w/ pumpkin-raisin bread, fresh fruit, a mixed green salad with a homemade salad dressing, coffee, and orange juice. It felt amazing to be able to have energy to be able to host and to cook! Afterwards we went for a long walk so that we could show them our new neighborhood, then came back to the house and in true Bill and Joan fashion, they wanted to roll up their sleeves and help us with whatever they could (they’re very DIY-ers!). So they helped Sean hang up a heavy mirror in the dining room and my Aunt, who has a great eye, helped me think about some decorating and curtain options for our family room. We had drinks (still no alcohol for me) and chatted, looked at our wedding album and talked about their new house and their son’s wedding coming up in March, and then had a fabulous dinner out in our new town at a place called Zebra’s Wine and Bistro. It was excellent, and my first burger in almost 3 months!
I assumed that after Bill and Joan left I would take Sunday to completely veg, but the steroids have given me some more energy, so I cleaned out my closet, baked Sean’s favorite cookies (it felt so good to be able to do something nice for him!), and did laundry. THEN I vegged… And when SHL came home from work, he vegged with me. It felt absolutely priceless to be able to have some good quality comfy time on the coach w/ our cats, catching up on stuff on our DVR, just the 2 of us…
Then Monday came, and it was even better day. Although I didn’t sleep well (the steroids are giving me some insomnia in the middle of the night, to which I usually have to mediate to get back to sleep), it was productive and I noticed that a shift in the way that I think about Mondays probably had something to do w/ the positivity. I had decided the day before to just ban the words “dread” and “Monday” from my vocabulary. I think at this point it’s just a habit to dread Mondays, but what I’ve come to realize when you have cancer is that there is just no time to dread anything! (Except for maybe the medical stuff, obviously). As soon as I made a conscious decision that Monday would come and would be fine, it was as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I woke up tired, but decided that coffee would be a pleasant reward, and something to look forward to, and that there was really no reason not to like anything about what the day would bring. During my lunch break I had an almost hour-long phone session w/ my life coach (the first in a long time, definitely since I’ve been diagnosed), and we did some work on my “inner-ally,” who helped me to target what I appreciate about myself, and what I’d like to work on during this period when I’ve finished treatment, and I await my next scans. What I’ve decided is that everything that I am doing for myself right now (and really, always), I want to be about loving myself. It’s been years of negative self-talk, criticizing myself, and just generally coming at myself from a place of insecurities and neurosis, instead of actually what is healthier—and really, true—that there is plenty to love about myself. I don’t think that I’ve ever said that before, but as I begin to really believe it (or I “fake it until I make it,”), I think that it’s helping to bring more joy into my life, which is kind of the point, right? I think a lot of the self-love and motivation has to do with my Team Lozier bulletin board: If my friends love me so much, then why should I not love myself just as much?
Going to the gym that night after work for the first time since getting sick (I’ve just been taking walks for exercise, when I can) felt like an extremely big accomplishment to me. And instead of doing the usual, “I probably won’t even get in that good of a workout,” or “This will probably never happen again,” I just simply enjoyed my time there, and knew that no matter what today or tomorrow brings, yesterday I did something really nice for myself. Afterwards I hit the grocery store and came home to make a stir-fry, anxious to try brown rice for the first time and see if I could handle it (so far so good, knock on wood).
I know that not every day can or will bring life coaching, gym sessions, and healthy dinners, but for now, I am literally taking things one day at a time. Today is about today, and what good the day will bring. It’s not about tomorrow, or next week, or next month. It’s about finding the joy and the inspiration in even the smallest of moments. Savoring that, being gentle and kind with myself, and knowing that I am doing everything that I can to take care of myself.