The momentum continues, Team Lozier, in lots of different ways.
Lately, it’s been the meditation that has been propelling me toward a calmer inner voice, slowly helping my mind and my body to connect in a place that feels just right for me. It’s a process, for sure, and one that I sometimes struggle with as lots of the time I just can’t get my mind to quiet. So I try not to judge. I go with the flow (which if you think about it, makes life much, much easier, rather than trying to fight against a current), and eventually I feel confident that nuggets of the meditation are penetrating into my mind, body, and soul. In fact, I know that they are, because I can not only feel it, I can sense it on a day-to-day basis.
I’ve been mostly meditating to fall asleep at night, since the steroids make it difficult. Very often I’m up in the middle of the night, my mind racing, so I meditate again, listening to Deepak Chopra either talk about perfect health, or my authentic self (I pretty much listen to one of each at least every day).
The other night I listened to a meditation about gratitude. In all honesty, when I think about gratitude, sometimes my initial instinct is to scoff. “Gratitude when you have a stage 4 cancer at the age of 36?”
But my mind and my heart immediately counter that when I think about all of the love in my life. I think about the fact that I have a husband who would go to the ends of the earth to take care of me, parents who couldn’t go out of their way any more in life to do what’s best for me, and family and friends who check in on me, offer support, dinner, a helping hand, a laugh, a shoulder to cry on, and just let me be me. That in itself is such a great gift. So gratitude?! Heck yeah, there’s an outpouring of it in my life. Sean and I have a beautiful house to come home to every day, we have pets, jobs, health insurance, travel plans, family, friends, holidays to celebrate, warm showers (yes I’m grateful for that), good healthy food in our house, music, the list goes on and on. So it wasn’t entirely surprising when I was meditating the other night to the prayer of gratitude, and I began to sob.
I imagined myself on a beautiful stretch of white beach, nothing but silky soft sand and the clearest blue water. And all of a sudden everybody that I know and love began to fill the beach, surround me, hold hands, and send an outpouring of positive and healing energy directly to me. While I am trying to learn to love everything about myself (even Kris Carr says that she’s trying to learn how to love her tumors), it’s still been hard to send that message to my tumors—what I want to do is send them a huge blast of “GET THE HECK OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW!!” Is it possible to do both? How can you love your cancer? It just doesn’t seem possible (add that to the list of things that Kris and I will one day have to sit down and chat about).
So as I continue to meditate and connect with my own heart and soul, visualizing a “perfect” health where the gratitude keeps flowing, and I shift towards a more authentic me, I find that Thanksgiving is such a wonderful time to tell my Team just how thankful I am for all of you: For each and every single one of you. You each bring something unique into my life that could never be replicated by another human being. I hope that you know that, really take that in, and be proud of the fact that you are standing by somebody who needs you very, very much.
Almost every single year now for the last 8 years, my family and I have been gathering with my cousins at their beautiful country house in West Virginia. It is our favorite holiday of the year: Amazing food, company, laughs, games, movies, and an “activity” every year the day after Thanksgiving (thank goodness we’re done with most of the battle-sites in the area! I think pedicures seem like a lot more fun). We all talk about it throughout the year, begin to plan exactly which game or which movie will take precedent months beforehand, and now the holiday is almost upon us. I am so excited for a few days of rest and fun with 17 members of my family, I am almost giddy!
Lots of love and a happy and healthy (and fun and tasty!) Thanksgiving to all of you, and thanks for reading. xoxo