Kris Carr gives us this wisdom recently: “I am safe and secure. I exhale any anxiety and inhale calm. As my world expands so do my heart and mind. I am willing to stay open and accept all the miracles and abundance the universe has to offer me.”
I love this. I invite this in. But the truth is, I feel as though I am going through the motions on some days, as if I should be doing more than just eating english muffins for breakfast, going to work, and catching up on episodes of Scandal with SHL. If I don’t meditate one day, or exercise another, if I eat M&M’s one day and get stressed at work another, am I letting myself down? Am I doing everything that I can each and every single day to keep myself as healthy as possible? I feel an incredible amount of pressure, and I can honestly say that it’s coming from myself. Not from SHL, or my parents, friends, doctors… Nobody is saying to me that I’m not doing well enough. Nobody but me is judging myself if I don’t get to the gym or fall asleep before I can listen to Deepak Chopra talk about perfect health. But I wonder: Should I be traveling to the depths of the rain forest to look for essential herbs that can possibly cure cancer? Should I be practicing yoga in a heat-filled room, followed by a kale shake and then falling into a peaceful slumber? I haven’t been to acupuncture in a while. Should I be trying to figure out how to somehow work part-time? Is my job too stressful? While there are plenty of things that I am sure I am doing for myself that are wonderful (spending more time with SHL while his schedule slows down for the holidays, enjoying some of my favorite foods on the days when my stomach is OK, seeing friends for sleepovers and movie date nights, taking a 3 day trip to Florida, planning a vacation g-d willing for 2014), sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like it’s good enough. Remember about a month ago when I said that I was going to come at this from a place of love? Of loving myself? Well it’s not as easy as I thought.
So I take a breath. I remind myself that I.AM.HUMAN. I am allowed to take some time to not focus solely on the cancer. I am allowed to have M&M’s. I am allowed to have a bad day at work where I get stressed out, even though it’s maybe not the best thing for my immune system. I am allowed to watch TV and not be traveling to the depths of the rain forest or praying in an Ashram right now. I am allowed to try and feel “normal.” Aren’t I? I work on the book jacket of what my book could possibly hope to say, and I wonder if I can’t get it so perfect, will others really want to hear my experience, advice, what I’ve learned (and will continue to learn) from having cancer? Does anybody ever get it perfect? Probably not. But I feel so far away from it. I wonder how to let go of my own expectations and drink in the possibility that if I am happy, creating joy spending time with my loved ones, then perhaps that is just as good as the other things? Perhaps loving and being loved is healing enough right now.