All year long

Happy spring! Though it’s cloudy here in Boston it’s in the 50’s, which feels like a heat wave to us! During lunch the other day I grabbed my first iced coffee of the season and as I passed the local Dairy Queen I noticed that they are now open for business! It is officially spring! Now let’s just hope that the weather continues to cooperate with what the calendar says.

Here in the Northeast we’re all so happy that the shift is being made from winter to spring. It was a long winter with bitterly cold temps and lots of snow storms. It also felt like a long winter not feeling well, being hospitalized, waiting for scans, finding out that I needed more treatment, and having surgery. The truth is, it’s been a long 9 months.

But there’s something about the change of seasons, especially when that season is about the rebirth of nature, that makes me feel even more alive than ever. I can’t wait until the trees start to fill in with greenery, until the flowers begin to pop up with vibrant colors everywhere, until the air is warm enough for us to finally say goodbye to our winter coats for a while. I like the idea of rebirth, of renewal, of the world going from gray to color. I yearn for more color in my life; the way that I feel when I’m with my husband or friends or family, the way that I feel when I help somebody at work, the way that I feel when I write a blog post, or get a spark of passion when I know that this is just the beginning of my story– that I can handle anything that comes my way, that so much more good is in store for me. And through this blog I find that I honor the complexity, the joy, and the hard days too.

And with renewal comes change, and I liken it to working on myself; in fact, I have never worked on myself with as much compassion as I am now. Little changes in my life I hope will add up to big benefits (as Deepak Chopra says) like cutting out soda, trying to eat less sugar, resting and napping when I need to, meditating, and decreasing stress and worrying about the “little” things that I needn’t worry about. Every day I try to be the best version of myself that I can be. Some days go better than others! But that’s reality– I’m human and far from perfect!

And I try to block out what the doctors have told me, though their words linger and sometimes catch me off guard when I hear their whispers in my head. When you’re trying to beat an incurable cancer, it does not help to hear that it’s only a matter of time until more tumors appear. I need to block out the negativity and focus on the fact that they don’t really know me, know what I’m capable of, know that there are possibilities out there that maybe they can’t even fathom. I send bouquets of spring (and every season) gratitude to my doctors for their knowledge, wisdom, research, and compassionate care, but I also listen to my own heart and mind and seek alternative ways of thinking about this cancer. I’m not a cancer denier, I’m a cancer defier.

So I wait for that greenery, that warmth, that color. And in the meantime, I look inside of myself to find everything that I need. Because no matter how cold or gray it gets I know that I have what it takes to welcome not just this spring, but many springs to come. Love makes everything vibrant, and that’s with me all year long.

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