The Guilt of Winter

I am all about my space these days; that which I create while at home or at work.  I’m yearning to make things feel serene, beautiful, and inspiring.  The truth is, I’m really dreaming of more calm within myself, but the physicality of my home or office seems like a good place to start when my life feels chaotic.  I dream of my house being draped in sea-glass colored curtains and taking warm baths with essential oils and lots of lit candles and no clutter.  Like anywhere.

I try to avoid the emotional clutter as well, but this is more difficult.  I can’t get my thoughts to just.stop. Meditation is relaxing because maybe for the first time that day I am actually releasing tension from my mucles and taking in deep breaths, but I still spend most of the time reminding myself to come back to the mantra.  I look for guidance everywhere, from Kris Carr to Gabby Bernstein to Danielle LaPorte.  (Truth time:  Her #truthbomb card deck is on my wish-list for my birthday!).   I read cookbooks and online magazines and search my bookshelves for the answers.  I feel so lethargic, like winter is finally catching up to me and all I want to do is be buried underneath warm blankets and wrapped in soothing music and eating something chocolate.  Anything chocolate.  As I write this, long icicles hanging off of the roof block my view of the backyard, which is OK, since that is covered in snow anyway.

What I’d like to say is that I can look inside of myself to find all of the peacefulness that I need; that somehow, down in that deep inner-gut, I know what to do.  I know how to pull myself out of the fear, the exhaustion, the unknown.  That is what I’d like to say.

So I go back the books.  I listen to music.  I watch the snow fall outside my window.  Again.  I long for spring because I love warmth and flowers and eating outside and getting pedicures and drinking iced coffee and doing errands with gusto (or as much gusto as you can have doing errands), and because I can roll the windows down and listen to the birds chirp. Winter makes me feel restless, but most of all, winter makes me feel guilty because it is a symbol of longing for the future.  I should just be grounded and grateful for the present.  I don’t want time to go too fast.  Nobody with cancer ever wants time to go too fast.

So I actually try to enjoy winter, maybe for the first time ever.  I layer and bundle and crank up the heat in my house and try to still do all that I want to do, despite the snow banks being taller than myself and the temperature dropping more and more each day.  I so want to enjoy everything, even shoveling off my car after a day at work and the scraping and the trudging through muddy snow.

I want some kind of an answer.  I want to know how to rid the fear and the anxiety and the tiredness.  I’m so tired.  I miss the sun.  But somehow I know that through even the darkest days, light awaits.  This I know.

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