You know that excitement when you’re on a roller-coaster that you’ve never been on before, and you’re wondering if you should have agreed to this but you’re also feeling so freakin’ excited? You haven’t gotten to the scary part yet or made a loop or anything and you almost feel giddy, right before your stomach drops? Well I’ve never been a big fan of the stomach dropping, but the moments before of pure delight and fun are something that I wish I could bottle.
I felt it yesterday, that roller-coaster feeling. I don’t remember the last time that its lived within me, and it shook me to my very core (but in such a good way). I stopped what I was doing and listened to my body, immediately recognizing that whatever was making me feel this way is something that I should clearly be trying to incorporate more of into my life.
Yesterday was one of those sparkly, good days. There have been some since December; the most thoughtful packages have arrived from friends with things to ease my tired body like lotions and socks and books and chocolates and more than that, just knowing that people are thinking of me makes me feel, well, not alone (you can’t put a price on that). There have been days like my birthday where I am with SHL and we just play and forget about work and bills and chores and cancer and surgery. There have been days spent with my nephew where we played soccer and read bedtime stories together and made pancakes. Those are sparkly days and I’ve loved them, they’ve just been few and far between over the last few months with all of the doctor’s appointments, scans, work, kidney stone and then more intensely the liver ablation surgery.
But yesterday was filled to the brim with goodness, and I delighted in it at every turn. I had absolutely no idea when I got out of bed that so many lovely things would happen. It started with me calling Brigham and Women’s Hospital and tracking down the name of the nurse who took such amazing care of me after the last surgery. I wanted to nominate her for the Boston Globe’s “Salute to Nurses” that will run in May and the nurse who took my call was so thrilled to hear this that she said she wanted me back on their floor after my next surgery on Monday to take care of me again. She said that she couldn’t promise anything, but that she would text her nurse manager and do her best. It may seem like a little thing (?) but I literally wanted to cry when I got off of the phone with her. I felt so touched that not just my family wanted to take care of me, but strangers did so as well. Yes they’re nurses and that’s what they do, but it seemed completely above and beyond to try and get me back onto their floor. I felt taken care of, which to me is a feeling of security, something that you want to hold on to so hard when you have an illness that makes everything you know feel so threatened.
Shortly after that I had lunch with my Jimmy-Fund contact, a new contact this year, meeting him for the first time. We hit it off immediately, debating whether or not Jerry Seinfeld is still funny and doing Larry David impressions of Bernie Sanders. Anybody that gets my sense of humor is golden in my book! Josh gave me so many great ideas for our upcoming second annual Team Lozier mini-golf fundraiser, I began to get more and more excited. We raised a little over $12,000 last year and we want to raise even more this year! Stay tuned for how we do!
I came back to work with a pep in my step. Connecting with new people, directing a tournament and raising funds for my doctor, nominating this nurse, and then seeing on both Facebook and Twitter a picture of SHL and myself from last year’s event with a blurb about the Jimmy Fund just made my heart soar. The more that we can get the word out on Dana Farber, the Jimmy Fund, good patient care, better communication with doctors (who really do want to take the best care of us possible), the better. Something about all of this just feels right.
I came home last night on Cloud 9. I couldn’t stop telling SHL about my day. “And then this happened, and then that happened…!” Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, or maybe I’m starting to get the courage to ask for things of the universe (ugh, scary…maybe). I feel as though I am just finally waking up and opening my eyes and seeing that the world is full of miracles, opportunities, and synchronicity. (These are things that I always thought were so hard to obtain before).
I thought that the day couldn’t get any better until I saw that a package was waiting for me on the counter. It was a beautiful mug from a friend of mine from college that she had made just for me on Etsy. Hot pink with a gold heart (she had no idea those are the colors in my office where I imagine great things happening with my writing) and then the words “love myself just as I am.” I broke out into a full-on smile because I knew just where she was getting this from. Last summer my friend M and I wrote down on index cards at the Chopra Center one intention that we wanted to leave behind there. I had written down “Love myself just as I am.” A tall feat, I had thought at the time. I had shared it with my friend D because we’ve always supported each other in our greatest goals for health and happiness. She had remembered and had given me the mug so that whenever I look at it I can always be reminded that to love ourselves is one of the greatest gifts that we can receive.
So as I approach my next surgery with fear, optimism, dread, and hope, and as I await the results while still in the hospital, I listen to what these important pieces of life are telling my heart and my soul. Write. Speak. I hear the voice that says, “Tell your story.” I have to begin to let go of thinking that I need to know how to take care of myself effortlessly before I can help others. I do nothing flawlessly. But maybe I don’t have to get it perfectly to help others; just maybe.
What is your heart and soul telling you? Follow it. xo.