“What if…?” I thought to myself, as I stood in the shower, my sanctuary away from the rest of the world. This is usually where I surrender to the deep gratitude of the day. This is usually a happy, relaxing place and time of day. But– there were so many things that could fill that space, trying to push gratitude out, and fear in.
What if I die?
What if I suffer?
What if treatment doesn’t work?
I couldn’t distinguish the warm shower water from my tears, but I had enough sense to stop my thoughts in mid-track. We can’t do that all days, nor should we be expected to. But on this day I did.
I realized that if you’re saying “What if?” to yourself (or to anybody else, for that matter), then you’re not living in the now.
“But I can prepare myself better if I think of all of the things that could go wrong,” I think to myself.
I have learned that is not true.
I switch gears.
“I can handle anything that comes my way.” Today is ___ Fill in the day, time, year. I am safe. I am alive. I am healing.
I am healing. Not “I’m going to heal.” I am healing or I am healed.
It’s not easy, managing those gremlins. It’s like a full-time job. They want to come out at the most inopportune times (like when I want to sleep, or when I’m alone).
I imagine a monster that lives in my closet, and the more I try to shove my body against the door so as not to let him loose, the harder he pushes to get out.
Doesn’t it seem like it would be easier to just let those gremlins out? Let’s give them a voice, actually. Let’s see what they have to say. Perhaps the fear of the what they could say is worse than what they do actually represent.
“What do you want Mr. Gremlin?”
Oh, just to make you suffer, he says with a gremlin grin.
That sounds pretty bad. But still you think:
“My g-d, what would happen if I just stopped leaning against this door?”
So maybe you do let the gremlins out. They want you to know that nothing is for certain. They want you to lose confidence. So you crash, burn, and head for the worst. They make you feel as though all the hope in the world was just washed away by your tears. They make you want to live in the pain, the fear, and the terror.
So you live there.
But not for too long, OK?
Today is what matters. And hope– well hope can never be washed away by anything that you don’t want it to.
And I promise you that once the gremlin is out, he loses a lot of his power. Because you remember: You can handle anything that comes your way.